Things we said while we watched The Happening

Lisa (during opening credits): So is M. Night Shyamalan’s career over?
Me: I don’t know. I guess we’re about to find out.

…several minutes later…

Me: Boy, this is some stupendously bad acting.
Lisa: The dialogue is pretty atrocious, too.

Me: Is Mark Wahlberg supposed to be playing a retarded science teacher?
Lisa: It seems like it. Especially when he talks about “science.”

Lisa: You know, it’s really inappropriate for a woman to confess her infidelity during an apocalypse. “Honey, before we die, I want you to know I cheated on you.”
Me: It would be inappropriate, if the woman saying it was a remotely believable character. But since this is just a bad line reading…
Lisa: That’s true. I have to say, this movie is giving me a whole new appreciation for Bruce Willis’ acting skills.

Lisa: Mark Wahlberg is talking to a potted plant.
Me: Watch, the punchline is going to be it’s a fake plant.
Mark Wahlberg: Plastic… I’m talking to a plastic plant… I’m still doing it…
Me: I think I know the answer to your question about M. Night Shyamalan’s career now.

Me: Hmm, kicking the front door of a house full of scared rural people. I predict this kid is about to get a shotgun blast to the chest.
Lisa: Ooh, good call!
Me: Interesting that they opened the door to shoot him. I expected them to shoot through the door. I wonder if that’s the surprise plot twist… Huh, they shot the other kid, too. I thought they’d only shoot one of them. I wonder if that’s the surprise plot twist.

Me: OK, if you want to leave your shelter so you can die with your husband, fine, it’s your choice. But you don’t drag a little girl with you. That’s just wrong.
Lisa: Or would be, if we cared about these characters.
Me: True.

Me: And the surprise ending is… It really was the plants? Huh?
Lisa: I am so glad we didn’t pay to see this in a theater.