politics

More suggestions for the Republican Party agenda from the America Speaking Out website:

“Old people contribute very little to the economy and are total downers. Cut off all government benefits at 75. If you want to live until 95, work until you die or save up more money earlier in life. No more free rides. ”

“Reduce the size of the U.S. to that of a city-state like the Vatican. This will result in enormous savings.”

“My daughter went to private school and she just told me dolphins are descended from wolves. What do I believe? Help me out here, Republican party. ”

“May we ask that our leaders stop posting hate mail about each other on Twitter, etc., then join together to save our Gulf? How about you, John ‘Negative’ Boehner?”

“The concept of SUSTAINABILITY has become the huge over the last few years. There is SUSTAINABILITY in architecture, agriculture, food/restaurants, sustainable work places, sustainable communities, etc. Why don’t we DEMAND that any new GOVERNMENT PROGRAM or entitlement prove that is is SUSTAINABLE over the course of time. If it’s not SUSTAINABLE, then it’s GONE! ”

“Regulate and limit the size of dark pools of liquidity.”

“Isn’t it about time we stopped giving god credit for the good stuff and a bye on the bad stuff? He/She/It is apparently all powerful, so make him/her/it take responsibility for the bad stuff that happens.”

“Instead of taking the ring to Mordor and destroying it…just take it to Goldline and sell it for $$$$$”

“If we gave all the walruses back their buckets, they could help clean up the oil spill.”

“See, America was the new kid in the neighborhood. Once we got there we met a bunch of other local kids who all liked to play baseball. We never played baseball but we wanted to be accepted so we tried. We failed. We also had a goofy fish hat. But as the summer went on, we learned how to play and got better. Finally the local neighborhood kids played the local baseball team and beat them. It was glorious. Then, we had a baseball autographed by Babe Ruth that fell over a fence where a big dog lived. We tried to get it a bunch of times but failed. Finally our friend, Mexico, put on his PF Flyers and got the ball. The dog chased him all over town but his blind owner stopped him and we all became friends. Years later, Mexico played for the Los Angeles Dodgers and we were the radio voice for the Dodgers. And then Mexico ‘The Jet’ stole home. THE JET STOLE HOME! We thumbed up each other and then the credits rolled. Basically, America needs to get some PF Flyers.”

“I want an app for this that works on my Droid.”

As you may have heard by now, the RNC has created a website, America Speaking Out, where American conservatives, or Internet pranksters posing as American conservatives, can post suggestions for the Republican Party agenda. (You can also vote thumbs up or down on other people’s suggestions.) Enjoy it while it lasts:

“The moon is American soil and therefore should be accessible only to Americans. I propose that we stop the illegal use of the moon and moon-related activities by foreigners. If this entails rigging some sort of grappling hook to the moon and drawing it down onto Texan soil, so much the better. That way people can travel to Texas if they want to see the moon, and nighttime will be a little darker for everyone. And, as the founding fathers used to say, ‘the darker the night, the easier it is to tongue each others’ balloon knots without our wives finding out!’”

“We should get off our fiat currency and move to one backed by feldspar, with quartz as a reserve currency. If we used silver as an additional reserve currency in the 19th century, we’d not have had to go to fiat currency, since we’d have reserves to expand our money supply. Feldspar and silicates, like quartz, are the most common minerals on the planet, so we shouldn’t have problems increasing our supply of these and our money supply.”

“Sometimes I see a new food at the store, but I don’t know if I will like it, so I don’t buy it. I propose we establish ‘food libraries’ where you can try new foods and if you like them, go to the store and stimulate the economy. Only legal U.S. citizens would be allowed in the food library. ”

“If you guys are so smart, how come you haven’t caught Osama Bin Laden and made a public display of him stuck up a hippo’s butt yet? I’M LOOKING AT YOU, JOHN BOEHNER!”

“Isn’t it funny, that a party that is fighting illegal immigration, and wants to build a fence to keep illegals out, is handing out badges as rewards for providing input to the site? Wait for it…wait for it…Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!! ”

“My ideas are dubbed inappropriate because they make sense so I’ll just post something like SPAWN MORE OVERLORDS!”

“People should only be allowed to smoke cigarettes UNTIL they turn 18. Think about it. Smoking for a few years won’t do them much harm. And if people over 18 want to smoke they can bribe kids to buy them cigarettes.”

“KFC’s mashed potatoes taste like pennies.”

“Obviously, the value of American life goes down with age. Who wants a liver from a 93-year-old, like creepy old Robert Byrd, when you can get a fresh one from a 38-year-old, like Bobby Jindal. But, young, fresh and not refrigerated too long are what the Republicans are all about.”